My Saturday nights have been taken up by going to to the M.A. Center, Amma's ashram, in San Ramon/Castro Valley. There have been some complications to the journey. Actually there has been one impediment toward going there for me: my ex-lover comes along with our group. He started coming last Saturday and was there this Saturday. I spoke to him more than I did last week. I feel so stupid. He is as superficial as I was when I was 24. It's the age when one most comes into contact with the concept of growing older. One moves out of the demographic. No longer considered close to a a teenager. Why I'm making excuses for him I have no idea. I think I love him even though I don't like him.
This scenario is called karmic. There is more to the picture than just two people, one rejecting the other as a lover. There is/are past event(s) that cause the two people to never consumate a long lost love (as in the concept of 'soulmate'). The connection between me and him is there; it's real. Whether he cares a damn about it when he doesn't see me, only he can say. But others who know him say that he's completely involved in himself and doesn't care about my feelings anymore. These people are probably right. I need help in deciding whether to forego going to the ashram for a while until he finds a new lover. I feel then he'll stop going to the ashram when Amma is not there.
For the moment I have to stress on going back to work tomorrow. I've had three wonderful days off. Even seeing him at the ashram and feeling the tears today, no emotional pain can outdo the physical and emotional pain of early-rising and having to do something one doesn't want to do. Sometimes I think about the children, but I don't long to go back to the routine of teaching as it is.
No comments:
Post a Comment