Blogger wants me to blog.

I've tried to write a few sentences a few times now and realize that I'm too tired to say anything myself. Blogger wants me to continue, so I will.
I will type something from "The Stanislavsky System:"

The Stanislavsky System follows the laws of nature. In life, concentration is not isolated from the human act. Therefore, concentration should not be practiced separately from an action. Fulfill an action with adequate concentration. Always build the circumstances in which actions are fulfilled, possibly based on an analogous situation in your life. Know what you do, why you do it, where, when...

'The Four Hundred Blows' and auteur theory

I have left for myself tonight to work on a paper for my class in Film History. The topic I chose was how does auteur theory apply to the work of Truffaut and two of his films: 'The 400 Blows' and 'The WIld Child.' Both of these films have children in starring roles with Truffaut himself playing 'the doctor' in 'The Wild Child.' Auteur as doctor...as teacher...scientist?

This is helping me to start thinking in terms of how to write about film which can be narrative and Beckett-like. Truffaut watched thousands of films and was a film critic before he became a director, an auteur. He is such a perfectionist. Even his English in 'The Wild Child' is well-pronounced without the slightest accent of French. Supposedly he felt he had difficulty with English.

The brain and the stars and autism and that...

I am very lucky that a task that was required of someone two times was only asked of me once. Every teacher in the school where I work was required to decorate/create interesting hallway billboards..elementary style and to do two of them. I know that every teacher in the school knows what a hard time I'm having this year. They don't care that I'm the only one not doing two billboards but only one.

The brain and 'ability awareness' came to mind when thinking about how to approach this project. Since the majority of students in my room are 'on the spectrum,' otherwise known as having some degree more or less of autism. Neuroscience became my topic. It doesn't matter that the board is in the kindergarten area. The fourth and third graders pass by it. I'm hoping it will stimulate someone into studying the brain of a child with cerebral palsy or autism. Dividing the brain up into jobs, as it were. The occipital lobe governs vision, for instance. We have a child in the school who is blind. He is learning to use the cane stick for walking. Kids must wonder what it must be like to be blind and they have no concept of what autism might mean as well as cognitive 'impairment.'

Tonight I went out to buy teacher border decorations. I found some cool, colorful stars with green clovers--no, there were just stars of all hues with glitter inside. I think after this one they may never ask me to do one again! This one will be an eye-popper. There will even be a huge eye on it. Some of the information I got from www.sciencebob.com.

Taxes and the why-forever-for?

Many cities in the U.S. don't have sales tax. San Francisco has an almost 10% tax on everything--including cell phone usage. This weekend and for some part of this week I have had to deal with the tax miasma. I'm not seeing the benefits of these taxes. This money is being spent on military items: nuclear warheads, bombs of all sorts and components, artillery and etc.

So tonight I will pick up my taxes over in Berkeley and see a friend who doesn't want to watch my Truffaut film. So I will go over there and deal with being there and wishing I could go to the ashram. Unfortunately, the ashram experienced mud slides this week that would prevent people from coming tonight. They're holding the meditation at a school nearby to the ashram. Since I'm depressed about going back to work at an elementary school, I can't face going to a school tonight. So, I'm in the words of one of my ashram friends, "I'm taking care of business." Busy-ness. Maybe I'll try to make it a meditation rather than a drudge.

An up-to-date look at my vacation.

Time spent mainly wanting in sleep. Very tired. Everything's a chore. Shot some video today. I learned that I have still so much to learn about videography. How to place to the figure in the shot with the best camera angle to the light. Etc.

Did I mention I saw the film version of 'Tristram Shandy''? It was very past post modern as it tried to re-create its subject/story.

Now I will return to Antoine Doinel in another of his film debuts. Somehow I feel that I have to return some energy to my spiritual nature and guidance by watching a video of Amma so I can return it to the person who bought it. Actually, I'm very angry that I have to go to the school where I work Friday morning at 11 a.m. to help a parent get a wheel-chair our of the building. In nine years of working at the place, this has never happened on my vacation. I went to the school today (Thursday)
to help self-same parent, but the custodian was at some meeting at another site so we couldn't get in.

I feel this vacation has been full so far. Full like my tummy. I going out to eat and to clubs a little. It feels like I'm visiting friends I haven't seen for a long time because I'm catching up with them. They think I should look for other jobs. I know I should look for another job. Would someone help me find another job?

KPFA and my sense of the 'news'

While I was driving over to Berkeley today, I should have been listening to KPFA. My new car cd player defaults to the radio, and
so I do tend to listen to it more than I usually might. I find KPFA's perspective to be very close to my own, so I don't have to
bother my mind and emotions by listening to a radio show I don't agree with or makes me uneasy.

Tonight I finished 'Stolen Kisses' (;'Baisers voles'). I watched it in three or four different segments. The film is episodic somewhat and in many ways brilliant. Relationships are once again features. I love French films for this reason: most of it still
is a kind of realism that has philosophical overtones. One can't forget that 'Stolen Kisses' was made in 1968. Truffaut is not
widely held as a policial/socio-economic/community-spirited type of artist. But there is social commentary along with the fact
that the bosses wife gets her way and sleeps with him--once. He moves on/back to the girlfriend he has had since the beginning. In having watched Truffaut's 'The English Girls' I would say he has certain ideas about beauty that are not hard to
miss. Perhaps his political stance has something to do with his predictable choice of feminine beauty representatives: Michelangelos's Venus pops out of her shell at me.

I also worked at my friend's shop for the Internet on getting images of the brain, eyes, mouth, cerebral palsy, autism, etc. These pictures will be part of my contribution to a bulletin board in the hallway of the school. I decided not to dumb down to the students but really give the older ones somthing to think about.

I should be on vacation somewhere in Asia. Instead I am working! Still I'm enjoying have the emotional and spiritual space to create new things in my life.

The wanting some space and renting a room.

I bought some stargazers for the full moon. From my Thai friends, I found out this is also Thai New Year. They are so beautiful, these flowers. This full moon feels very powerful. Ways of relating are changing and evolving and de-volving, but
relationships are definitely dazzlingly lit for this full moon period.

My the wind in my mind wants to wander. I've watched at least one film per day, and topping off so far at two in the theatre,
one at home days. Today I'm finishing watching another Truffaut film with Jean-Pierre Lelaud in 'Stolen Kisses.' It's a 'who dunnit' kind of with tongue very deeply wound into the cheek.

I suppose I've finished my tea. I should make some more. I'll write more tonight.

Amma's Ashram in San Ramon.

There are twisting-turny roads to get there. Many ranches lie on one side of the highway. The other side may be dotted with
sheep or cows or just Scottish-green grass. Lots of frogs croak over the same amount of crickets. Two swan swim, unweathered, in the lake surrounded by lotus plants, not yet in bloom. The moon is like a bald man's half dome, sitting above the clouds. Clapping and singing accompanied by tabla and harmonium muffle through the trees.

This is the ashram of Mata Amritanandamayi, Amma, this night. We left around 11:00 am, and here I am writing a little more
than two hours later. The talk was missed tonight. Last week we got there at the same time and someone was still talking. The emphasis was on meditation, prayer, giving of thanks and feeling the swell of Spring in our hearts.

Absent, as I had thought would be, was the Gnome. Supposedly he started a job at a restaurant and has to work on Saturday nights now. Someone we know from Love of Ganesha previously was absent tonight, too. He probably is trying to make it with her. She never misses the Saturday ashram event. But I am merely an observer; what he does no longer concerns me. I wish him well but cannot be his friend. I must move on and try to meet other people. I am always the one who meets people but doesn't connect with any of them. Why do I have to go out with someone my age? At the ashram there are a few guys in my
age bracket, but I'm left cold by American guys unless they're dark in some way--the eyes or the hair or something. Also I think guys with shoulder-length hair should grow dreads. Especially guys over 40. I the guy is bald, he has to have attentive eyes. Mark and I are friends. He has attentive eyes. But he's only 26. I do like him as a person and consider him to be a good friend. He brought his artist friend from the nuthouse again tonight. I am very curious to see this man's art. He makes great claims to having retired at 25 or 26. I think Mark enjoys hearing stories from this person about art and what it was like when he
was Mark's age in the late '50's early '60's. He is harmless and sometimes funny. Laughter is about all that's left!

Back to cupcakes.

Tonight I officially start my one-week Spring Break. Yes. What plans. I need to sleep first before thinking. There is much to do
and so little money to do it with. At least the ashram is free. I plan to take the Gnome off his pedestal and put him in the flesh.
Why I still think about him at all is troubling. I haven't met anyone since the Indian guy from Staten Island who calls me after 12am on the weekend and with whom I haven't connected for a date or anything (we just had chai one evening when we met). He doesn't like my nose ring. He said, "I'd love to see you all dolled up and take that nose ring out..." This weekend I plan to see the film 'I am a Sex Addict.' There is much temptation in meeting the Indian guy. I could have sex with him and not regret it. He even said that he wants me "for a girlfriend for a while." Maybe the Buddha would have given the best advice on this one. Help me, you Alan Watts lovers.

Ganesh wil help me decide.

My Saturday nights have been taken up by going to to the M.A. Center, Amma's ashram, in San Ramon/Castro Valley. There have been some complications to the journey. Actually there has been one impediment toward going there for me: my ex-lover comes along with our group. He started coming last Saturday and was there this Saturday. I spoke to him more than I did last week. I feel so stupid. He is as superficial as I was when I was 24. It's the age when one most comes into contact with the concept of growing older. One moves out of the demographic. No longer considered close to a a teenager. Why I'm making excuses for him I have no idea. I think I love him even though I don't like him.

This scenario is called karmic. There is more to the picture than just two people, one rejecting the other as a lover. There is/are past event(s) that cause the two people to never consumate a long lost love (as in the concept of 'soulmate'). The connection between me and him is there; it's real. Whether he cares a damn about it when he doesn't see me, only he can say. But others who know him say that he's completely involved in himself and doesn't care about my feelings anymore. These people are probably right. I need help in deciding whether to forego going to the ashram for a while until he finds a new lover. I feel then he'll stop going to the ashram when Amma is not there.

For the moment I have to stress on going back to work tomorrow. I've had three wonderful days off. Even seeing him at the ashram and feeling the tears today, no emotional pain can outdo the physical and emotional pain of early-rising and having to do something one doesn't want to do. Sometimes I think about the children, but I don't long to go back to the routine of teaching as it is.