I missed Shivaratri tonight.

Somehow I thought that 2008 might be a good year. What I mean by "good year" is that I'm not so depressed, work is not so depressing, I've found a new place to live, I have a new boyfriend, I possibly have a new job, I have new friends and I'm not so depressed all the time. So far, 2008 has marked a new low in my energy level. I require much more sleep than I did three months ago to function and to feel energetic somewhat.

I thought that 2007 was a decent year. Work was quite difficult (as usual) but this year work seems worse (if that is possible!!!). I have two new assistants and all the students run all over the place. They spill things, put their hands in their bowel-movement-filled diapers, come in the door at 8:30 a.m. screaming at the top of their lungs (I have had a student like this kind before), require that everything be done for them, run off from the group while walking to the breakfast, lunch or elevator areas... The other teachers at the school used to dislike me because I had a decent amount of assistance (at least three assistants or more) and predominantly children in wheelchairs who didn't run around constantly.

What remains unsaid is that I am exhausted. The job is draining beyond belief. Last night I had a psychedelic dream and woke up wondering if I had ACTUALLY had a happy dream. I couldn't sleep well after that. (Yes, the price of "happiness.")

So, tonight, a Wednesday night and my only night in which I don't have a commitment, a Shivaratri celebration and chanting fest is going on at Amma's ashram in San Ramon. My friends asked me to go. All I had to do was drive myself up to upper Haight and back at around midnight. The headlight on my car first went out 4 years ago. Somehow my landlord glued the part of the casing that kept the lamp dry. About 5 weeks ago, the bulb blew out for the first time in 4 years. Last weekend, the bulb blew out again.

I HATE being stopped by U.S. police or other government "enforcers." Actually, the last time I got stopped by a cop was in upper Haight in 2006 for having a brake light out. The cop held onto my driver's license and was talking on the phone for about 10 minutes. This really unnerved me. Somehow I know that Amma's grace would help through any situation, but I find it hard to break through my mundance experience and feelings surrounding freedom. Despite the fact that the route is pre-set, there is more freedom to be found in riding the bus than driving a car! I keep thinking I'm going to get stopped by a cop and really lose my patience or get into an accident due to exhaustion. So, here I am sitting at home. It's time to meditate and go to sleep. I wish everyone a blessed evening.