'We're really clean people," Ferguson, Palestine, the German film Antares (2004)

It is still Friday the 13th, March, 2015, and I am listening to Killing Joke's Pandemonium cd.   Sorting out what is primary to the brain or impulse, rather than what part of the brain 'covers' the acts the occur under its governance.

Just the other day I met someone from one of those online dating services (a free one, right?  doesn't one get what one's paid for lol)    I had chatted on this person for over 45 chats on the site and then texting on the phone.  When I met him physically he had a nice small and it seemed gentile et innocente.  Then we walked around the Embarcadero Center which is the area he lives in.  I had never been in one of these new high rises.  I didn't wash my hands after having gone pee-pee in their toilet.  I was afraid to touch their towels lol    Since he was standing there kind of monitoring my toilet experience,  holding himself from the what I have never met yet.

Meanwhile, I felt subconsious, I apologized for not washing my hands, and that some people get weirded-out by it.  It is how I approach my life, like art and music, I have to never be very clean. Creativity sometimes sticks to your fingers.  How can you clean it off?

Now to the garage.  I said, "Let's go to the beach."  He was into going to the beach right away.  Nice. he gave me a glass of water, and the glass had plastic around the part where someone might put their finger or hands, 'We are really clean people.'  It's kind of like the woman with all the money to save her aging face who hands you a tester from a cosmetics place.

Ferguson fits into our Johnsonian/Pandemonium deleterium.  Mike Brown was shot how many times???  By the police?  And, he was left to lie in the middle of the streets like a dead deer.  If any really real statement to the tragedy, it must be something like, and excuse my bleeding heart ( I have been accused of being that at SF State in front of all the other students there) or my own struggle for equality and justice, that being African, being black, is the most difficult life one can have in the United States.  If there are more rallies against police brutality toward dark-skinned people, I will be there somehow.  Or I will write about it.  I think that is the most essential element in my assemblages; I am that black pretty black woman, I am also the white doll with door knob in her left eye.

I am not the Mayan hero.  The Asian woman from the right corner is me.  Since 1995, the painted woman or girl or grandma is black.  There is only one white woman I have painted full-size, and she is dead white with blue hair.  She is a goddess who protects us from our seeing and experiencing the dead.  Which brings me to the German film ANTARES (2004).  I have never seen people so white! There was tons of nudity in it and people who were having sex outside their relationships and the greed and anonymity  of the head that is not present.  Emotional intelligence sexy film, NOT.  I will give them credit: no punching. but a kind of weird acceptance of a lover's being with another.  Such character dies at the end of the film.  The young non-German guy is let off the hook--he thinks!!  The girl he has been living with tries to kill herself.

He discovers, at the end of the film that his girlfriend will be seeing a psychiatrist which makes him extremely nervous.

ANTARES is the scorpion, and in Indian Vedic Astrology there is a Cinderella-quality to its story in that there are three related women; two of them are older and one is the youngest and causes the most jealousy.  The youngest in this film knows where her Auslander lover goes to have blowhorn sex with another blonde German women.  She can sense he is not with her, but she chooses to take her sadness with her if she can die.

The Germans have such a shitty history in the 20th century.  Showing too much domestic violence would not help the world's view of them.  Imagine!  Ghandi vs. Hitler.  The Marxist/Hegelian contradiction!  I know I was afraid in films made about the country whose genocidal  tactics were so induplicitous; or were they?

There are so many countries on earth who still experience no freedom, no justice and no equality. How many 'white' countries still have no freedom, justice nor equality?  Maybe that's it:  The newest generation in Ireland has finally opened some doors for people all over the world to enjoy its non-violence stance.  Yes, the country is still backward due to the religion, and that's an understatement.

Pink Floyd made it in here somehow: teaching and the education corporation are to blame for all the ageism, racism, any kind of prejudice, the lack of love for community.  IF you are not there yet, you have made it past 2012.  Now what?

Please do not live in a place that looks like no one lives there. I love Gogol.  Dead Souls is my favorite Russian novel.  Humor coupled with tragedy is a sincere feat in writing!!  I will let the person who insulted me multiple times and had to apologize for being such an asshole be himself.  My housemates now think I am doing booty calls because this guy had such a flashy, expensive, German car.  I guess it's because I'm Irish.  We are not respected.  Some of us are genius.  Some of us have made mistakes.  But if anyone puts me down for being Irish or makes any cultural slur my my way, be it known that the initial jabs in the ego fight between two people who don't know each other but from some chats and texts is a funny thing when I know I was black and I still am but I am also black.