TOday is SUnday. I'm still supposed to be on "vacation." I will return to work on the required day of Wednesday. Many of the women (and, perhaps, the two men) have already been to their classrooms to work on them. Last year I had to change classrooms, so I came in two weeks early. Last year I was happier. Or the thought of what my job entails didn't bother me at all. I had some freedom. Jeremy had just visited me from London. He and I had e-mailed each other for two years until he came out to visit San Francisco and me. Jeremy told me that if I wanted to chuck the job he had more than enough in his house in East London. I was covered! I didn't really want to think that it wouldn't be possible for me to move to London like that with a man I barely knew. But there was security in it somehow.
Even though I"ve had a few lovers since Jeremy, no one has connected with me in the same way: staying available by e-mail and phone even though not in person. All a fantasy. Can't forget about the biblical figure (Moises). I'm doing very well with this one. The karma is lifting, albeit like a torn blanket of fog. His girlfriend came into the meditation room where I was sitting this past Friday late afternoon. She was smiling at me like she knew me very well or had me pre-calculated. There was a strange awareness this woman had of my presence. All I could think was, "Oh no, this means he coming in here soon to meet her. Better get out!" I'm trying to avoid painful situations or ones that have the potential to put me in a frame of mind in which I feel less than and invalidated. Perhaps that is why I don't want to go back to "work." I hope the sun shines all day tomorrow and that I can get a sunburn so that I can recall my trip to the Yucatan for the day.
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