I take it all back. The encounter at the ashram was not really a blessed event. It was a blessed event, but I am confused. Right after the Prophet hugged me so tenderly, another person asked him for a hug. I call him the Prophet now, because his name has to do with some Judaic religion's version of a prophet. When I was in my early twenties, I lived with a guy whose friend used to call him The Prophet. He actually meant The Prophet, i.e., the The Prophet of Islam. But that is another story that I might get to in some round-about way.
Actually, calling him the Pee would link him to Pee Wee, and I don't want to do that. Why don't I just call him by the name of young boy, since he is such an ageist. Let's call him the Gnome, because sometimes he reminds me of a gnome. I happen to like gnomes quite alot.
In any case, my friend asked him for a hug. He gave her a peck-like kiss and an awkward hug to the shoulders. I think he was so blown away that he kissed her that he didn't know what to do. I haven't seen any of the guys in our group of people who inhabit The Love of Ganesha ever kiss this woman on the lips. What do I know? I know how I feel: still confused and wondering why I'm dwelling in the realm of the Green-headed Monster. Which is the way to the land of Shrek?
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
We were only trying to get gas but the gunshots...
Saturday night I went to the ashram with my friends. I usually pick people up from Love of Ganesha. When I got up to Haight Street I noticed that my ex-lover, the Nicaraguan guy, was standing outside. I thought, "Oh, is he driving up with me?" There was little to be said between us. He said hello to me and I to him. The awkwardness of the moment was offset by the fact that there was someone else driving so he could go with her. Good. The two people who rode with me I consider very good friends. They listened as I spoke about what had happened after the ashram in November between me and him. I haven't thought of a good name for him yet. Perhaps I will turn this into a faerie novel. The faeries reunite on another plane of existence only to find that ageism and economic circumstance keep them apart.
and competition again: he had to ask me how my life was going. I said good, he said great. What is the purpose of this? Ego warming? The poor ego is lying in its nest needing more warmth, the warmth of put-downs? We did have a meaningful hug, however. He took my face in his hands and put it next to his face and held it there for about two minutes. All our friends were very happy that we could come to some form of love expression. I was happy, too, but the next day I felt sad.
Oh, I forgot about the shootings. When we got back to the city at about 2 a.m. we were near the EndUp bar on 5th and Harrison. There were about 20 people standing in line, all guys. I needed to get some gas, and there was a huge half-block gas station nearby. But we heard about 3 or more gunshots, saw three guys running away, a get-a-way car and a man covered in blood. I still wanted to get some gas, but my friends talked me out of it! If only I could see danger more clearly and be really protective of myself.
and competition again: he had to ask me how my life was going. I said good, he said great. What is the purpose of this? Ego warming? The poor ego is lying in its nest needing more warmth, the warmth of put-downs? We did have a meaningful hug, however. He took my face in his hands and put it next to his face and held it there for about two minutes. All our friends were very happy that we could come to some form of love expression. I was happy, too, but the next day I felt sad.
Oh, I forgot about the shootings. When we got back to the city at about 2 a.m. we were near the EndUp bar on 5th and Harrison. There were about 20 people standing in line, all guys. I needed to get some gas, and there was a huge half-block gas station nearby. But we heard about 3 or more gunshots, saw three guys running away, a get-a-way car and a man covered in blood. I still wanted to get some gas, but my friends talked me out of it! If only I could see danger more clearly and be really protective of myself.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Pee Wee and Spanish
I'm supposed to be doing my Spanish homework. This online class is something I've been avoiding for weeks now and am incredulously behind! Meanwhile, 'Pee Wee's Great Adventure' is on the comedy channel. Yeah. I haven't seen (heard--I'm listening to it as I type) this film in such a long time. Will Pee Wee make a comeback--oh, please!
Yes. We need Pee Wee to point out the uselessness of seeing ourselves as separate from our world. Pee Wee had his own world on the show, this is true. But people came over, he had friends, and the whole time this show was being broadcast at 9 a.m. on Saturday mornings, most of us were still asleep. On the rare occasion that I got to see the show, I was uplifted. I didn't watch much tv at that time, and I would watch Pee Wee and 'Showtime at the Apollo.' Get up early to stay up late!
I have nothing much to add to any existential or Freudian reading of my subjects. Can't stop thinking about Spanish and have to leave Sarte or Milton or Dave Chapelle behind.
Yes. We need Pee Wee to point out the uselessness of seeing ourselves as separate from our world. Pee Wee had his own world on the show, this is true. But people came over, he had friends, and the whole time this show was being broadcast at 9 a.m. on Saturday mornings, most of us were still asleep. On the rare occasion that I got to see the show, I was uplifted. I didn't watch much tv at that time, and I would watch Pee Wee and 'Showtime at the Apollo.' Get up early to stay up late!
I have nothing much to add to any existential or Freudian reading of my subjects. Can't stop thinking about Spanish and have to leave Sarte or Milton or Dave Chapelle behind.
Pee Wee and Spanish
I'm supposed to be doing my Spanish homework. This online class is something I've been avoiding for weeks now and am incredulously behind! Meanwhile, 'Pee Wee's Great Adventure' is on the comedy channel. Yeah. I haven't seen (heard--I'm listening to it as I type) this film in such a long time. Will Pee Wee make a comeback--oh, please!
Yes. We need Pee Wee to point out the uselessness of seeing ourselves as separate from our world. Pee Wee had his own world on the show, this is true. But people came over, he had friends, and the whole time this show was being broadcast at 9 a.m. on Saturday mornings, most of us were still asleep. On the rare occasion that I got to see the show, I was uplifted. I didn't watch much tv at that time, and I would watch Pee Wee and 'Showtime at the Apollo.' Get up early to stay up late!
I have nothing much to add to any existential or Freudian reading of my subjects. Can't stop thinking about Spanish and have to leave Sarte or Milton or Dave Chapelle behind.
Yes. We need Pee Wee to point out the uselessness of seeing ourselves as separate from our world. Pee Wee had his own world on the show, this is true. But people came over, he had friends, and the whole time this show was being broadcast at 9 a.m. on Saturday mornings, most of us were still asleep. On the rare occasion that I got to see the show, I was uplifted. I didn't watch much tv at that time, and I would watch Pee Wee and 'Showtime at the Apollo.' Get up early to stay up late!
I have nothing much to add to any existential or Freudian reading of my subjects. Can't stop thinking about Spanish and have to leave Sarte or Milton or Dave Chapelle behind.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Twisted Sister rocks.
"I wanna rock! duh duh duh duh duh DUH duh....Yeah, Twisted Sister. A favorite band of mine, I no longer own any of their
music on records. They became the property of the guy I was living with at that time. We were both punk/metal/heads.
Except I had a few degrees. I worked at a flower shop. What a beautiful occupation. However, I have my moments when I
feel that plucking flowers is a killing act. Amma speaks about this. One has to us discrimination to know when to cut flowers
or support them by buying them.
Meanwhile, I felt like blogging. There was just a documentary on about Tito Puente and his band. They played in San Francisco
for 50 years. I think Tito Puente died recently. He was responsible for putting the rhythm section in the front of the band
during performances. One couldn't help but move. I saw them many times.
I've been thinking tonight about one of my old boyfriends. I love Cuban music (as well as Bossa Nova), and he played trumpet. I hadn't t hought about him in a long time. I saw him two years ago. He know where I live. It's weird how one can put someone
totally out of the mind or, in this case, the litany of boyfriends and loves. Maybe it's time to be at the cherry blossom ball, recalling past love and dancing bliss. Let it flow out to the Ganges in astral time.
music on records. They became the property of the guy I was living with at that time. We were both punk/metal/heads.
Except I had a few degrees. I worked at a flower shop. What a beautiful occupation. However, I have my moments when I
feel that plucking flowers is a killing act. Amma speaks about this. One has to us discrimination to know when to cut flowers
or support them by buying them.
Meanwhile, I felt like blogging. There was just a documentary on about Tito Puente and his band. They played in San Francisco
for 50 years. I think Tito Puente died recently. He was responsible for putting the rhythm section in the front of the band
during performances. One couldn't help but move. I saw them many times.
I've been thinking tonight about one of my old boyfriends. I love Cuban music (as well as Bossa Nova), and he played trumpet. I hadn't t hought about him in a long time. I saw him two years ago. He know where I live. It's weird how one can put someone
totally out of the mind or, in this case, the litany of boyfriends and loves. Maybe it's time to be at the cherry blossom ball, recalling past love and dancing bliss. Let it flow out to the Ganges in astral time.
Friday, March 17, 2006
It's freezing. I feel cold. But I want to travel, that's it.
Today is one of those holidays in which one gets to travel. Now one can travel anytime, right? Just got to turn on the television or see a film or fall asleep and dream. I may be in one of those dream states right now due to the extreme cold I feel. San Franciso dwellings are known for there "airiness"--a lack of warm air. So, my brain has shut down due to the frigid temperature, it has taken all it can and has closed down. That is how easy it is to write a blog like mine. I just write whenever my brain has shut down.
Meanwhile, I wish I could travel to a warm place...like India, VietNam, Mexico and wherever it's HOT (except Hawaii--little islands in the midst of vast ocean scare me). Instead, I have turned on the heater. My fingers are warm enough for typing.
And then back again to travelling: today is St. Padraic's day in Ireland and the U.S.A. (the us part doesn't include me) and other places where people speak English or Gaelic and like to drink alcohol. Tonight I'm taking my good friend from Mumbai to an I.R.A. bar in the city. It's really hardcore. There's one in Berkeley called The Starry Plough--lovely name. What do I mean by an I.R.A. bar? Let's just say people talk alot of politics and philosophy in these bars. Sounds kind of boring, huh? Yeah, since we both just drink cranberry juice, there's no room for any more boredom.
For some real fun we plan to go to the local bar on Mission Street where they play Siouxsie and the Banshees and the The Cult and stuff like that. I have a crush on the one of the owners. He is Latino. Will my Indian friend be in the way? I hope he meets someone to talk to. We're both looking for relationships. Feel sorry for us. Then meditate and pray that we too might enjoy some of the pleasures of conjoining with another human. What else might one want to do (if they haven't done that already!)?
Meanwhile, I wish I could travel to a warm place...like India, VietNam, Mexico and wherever it's HOT (except Hawaii--little islands in the midst of vast ocean scare me). Instead, I have turned on the heater. My fingers are warm enough for typing.
And then back again to travelling: today is St. Padraic's day in Ireland and the U.S.A. (the us part doesn't include me) and other places where people speak English or Gaelic and like to drink alcohol. Tonight I'm taking my good friend from Mumbai to an I.R.A. bar in the city. It's really hardcore. There's one in Berkeley called The Starry Plough--lovely name. What do I mean by an I.R.A. bar? Let's just say people talk alot of politics and philosophy in these bars. Sounds kind of boring, huh? Yeah, since we both just drink cranberry juice, there's no room for any more boredom.
For some real fun we plan to go to the local bar on Mission Street where they play Siouxsie and the Banshees and the The Cult and stuff like that. I have a crush on the one of the owners. He is Latino. Will my Indian friend be in the way? I hope he meets someone to talk to. We're both looking for relationships. Feel sorry for us. Then meditate and pray that we too might enjoy some of the pleasures of conjoining with another human. What else might one want to do (if they haven't done that already!)?
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Back to the Ashram
Last evening I went out to Amma's (www.amma.org) ashram in Castro Valley. I had alot of passengers this time. There were
still many people at this satsang which wasn't a festival celebration day like Shivaratri. It is very uplifting to go there. The swami talked about "the past." He said that Amma says the "past is like a bounced check." It is karma and dharma at the same time. It's best to let the past go and consider it paid, as it were. For me this is quite important since I am an incest survivor with many sources of invalidation in my family and past loves. There are so many times that one memory will lead to another, and they're usually negative or invalidating for me. I've tried and I'm still trying to let these thoughts drop off me and be carried by a gentle wind that takes them away. Not very poetic this evening, sorry. Oh, that's a negative thought. Critical. I studied literary criticism at UC Berkeley which has always been a decent school. The school of life calls now. I've got to accept what is and then notice what could be changed. Zen. Cupcakes. Monty Python is on. Jaya Ganesh. That "Academy Awards" stuff is really disgusting.
There are all these people on television and in film who are completely overpaid and keep all their money to themselves. What do they have to offer? I've digressed.
A man has a tape recorder up his nose.
still many people at this satsang which wasn't a festival celebration day like Shivaratri. It is very uplifting to go there. The swami talked about "the past." He said that Amma says the "past is like a bounced check." It is karma and dharma at the same time. It's best to let the past go and consider it paid, as it were. For me this is quite important since I am an incest survivor with many sources of invalidation in my family and past loves. There are so many times that one memory will lead to another, and they're usually negative or invalidating for me. I've tried and I'm still trying to let these thoughts drop off me and be carried by a gentle wind that takes them away. Not very poetic this evening, sorry. Oh, that's a negative thought. Critical. I studied literary criticism at UC Berkeley which has always been a decent school. The school of life calls now. I've got to accept what is and then notice what could be changed. Zen. Cupcakes. Monty Python is on. Jaya Ganesh. That "Academy Awards" stuff is really disgusting.
There are all these people on television and in film who are completely overpaid and keep all their money to themselves. What do they have to offer? I've digressed.
A man has a tape recorder up his nose.
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