I heard "Blonde on Blonde" for the first time.

I just wrote a long blog on my hair and what I like about this cd and Nada Surf. But it wouldn't publish it...I'll try again

I wrote a blog, but they wouldn't publish it

I heard "Blonde on Blonde" for the first time.

My hair is faux blonde. It is pretty long, and I have alot of fun with it occasionally. Gone are the days of really fun hair--for the moment. Everyone's trying so hard to make their hair stay closer to their heads. Why have hair? It can be annoying. I'm having one of those I hate my hair days. I wish I had greasy, thin, straight hair. Instead I have very thick, dry slightly wavy hair. BOring.

Meanwhile, tonight I tried to spend some precious moments not thinking about my job and listened to Dylan's "Blonde on Blonde." I kept hearing about it when I would listen (in my car--which was very often) to Nada Surf's eponymous cd. "I've got 'Blonde on Blonde' on my portable stereo. It's a lullaby from wonder woman's radio..." So, I listen to it, and I found it ethereal. Dylan's voice often sounds the same, but the rhythms and melodies don't. They all have something in common: their layered, suggesting other worlds and existences.

I have the flu.

I don't know what it is. I either feel like sleeping or overdoing it. There is a child in my Special Education classroom who has
a constant repiratory infection. He is also quite cognitively impaired. But he does walk and knows how to get what he wants from adults!

In any case, most people in the class have had this cold/flu. They all have gotten a cold. I always get a really achey body flu. I'd rather have a stuffy head than all these body aches.

Why am I writing? Maybe it's because I missed Psychic Horizons tonight because I'm sick and I have to sit and meditate instead of writing all this boring stuff that I write. Today I read about the film THE CABINET OF DR. CALIGARI. I saw this film when I was
an Art student. In the context of Freud and the Expressionists and the whole German Gestalt, one can imaging that this film pre-sages the rise of a madman like HItler.

Today is the birthday celebration for Amma at the ashram.

Amma's birthday is actually September 27th. The ashram is having a birthday celebration. Back in 2003, I went to her 50th
birthday event which was very well-attended in Cochin, near where Amma's ashram in India is situated. At that time, there were
few people there. I think many people actually went to India. In any case, there will be quite a few people there tonight. I am glad that Amma is becoming more recognized thanks to the film DARSHAN and the news media.

Tonight I am driving friends up to the ashram. It is a bit of a drive. The anticipation of finding peace at the ashram will be there. Hopefully I will remain peaceful within as I can. This week was a total nerve-blower. Fortunately, yesterday I got a
treatment for my neck at my physical therapists' place. She recommended dancing! Somehow my mind is not in that place where I want to jump around, so I've been listening to music that penetrates the inner self and nerves.

In addition, I've had to deal with the fact that there is still a roommate in this house who makes me uncomfortable. He has done many things to make me feel invalidated. It's difficult, but I'm holding my aura steady. (I may have to do that at the
ashram--one never knows!)

Meanwhile, I want to complain (sorry, Amma) that I have received three overtures from women to my craigslist posting for a MAN. This has never happened until the past couple of months. It really bothers me. I'm wondering why it bothers me so much. Has this ever happened to a man who has posted to craigslist personals? Maybe it's just weird to me that a woman would look in the personals where women are searching for men. Perhaps there are too many gambling shows on TV...you
know, those poker ones? Everyone's trying to get what they want--if it means playing a dumb game with oneself.

I'm ambivalent but in need of some fun.

I had been seeing a guy from India for the past month on Friday nights. It was actually kind of fun because neither one of us
knew what to make of the other. He is making 3 times what I make, he gets to work when he wants and tends to work at night.
I have to get up at 7:30; I am not an early riser.

If Sanjay had been more--of a listener than a talker, maybe we could have gotten together more easily. I'm not really loquacious at all, but I do prefer to have someone listen to what I'm saying than talking over me. Such was Sanjay. I'll miss him until I meet someone equally different from me who makes me laugh.

The time for homework.

So many good students find time to do their homework. I suppose I am a really bad student. There are 6 chapters that should have been read by now for my Film History class, and I've read about 5 pages. The topic is basically film from 1894 to 1945. I took the class in Spring semester and the history followed the period of 1945 to the present. This class was more fun for me.

American history is quite boring. But the formation of the star system and the use of the camera in film is something we have studied. And, of course, how actors and actresses came to earn so much money. So much of American cinema from this period is propaganda. Duh, you say.

What people you think you know send you in an e-mail.

How many people have received an e-mail from someone they thought they knew in the spamblocker? I usually never check earthlink's spamblocker. I had been getting such slutty, funny, silly mail before I asked them to conduct their spamblocker on my mail. I assumed that they would just pick off the ugly stuff from someone's best pal and that would be it for that. But no, the spamblocker only stills (still talking about it) everyone's mail who isn't in my contacts list. How simple for earthlink.

Meanwhile I was looking at the 9 blocked mails in one raid and saw a familiar name. Now, I don't know this woman very well. She is the kind of person one wonders what role she is playing all the time...all the time. She is an Amma devotee. That is not how I know her. I know her from a meditation place.

In any case, she sent me a message from St. Theresa that I were to pass on (i.e., forward) to 11 people--right awayayayay! Then I would be granted some special wish.

There was only time in which a "friend" sent me "this will happen if you do this" message and it did happen. The weird karmic thing is that just as he was calling me I was on the Internet (this was four years ago). I was berating him for not calling me. He had already fucked up with me before when he stayed to talk to a very young woman while my friends and I stood outside waiting for him. He was getting her phone number.

Little Miss Sunshine

Tonight I'm going to go see the film "Little Miss Sunshine." I've heard people say they like it, but I don't know why. Maybe I'll look for some of the things that I've seen in the Film History class, like matching action...

Freedom vs. It's Antithesis

What does it mean to feel free? I returned to my paid work as a Special Education teacher of children with severe disabilities. For the first time in years we have a student with cerebral palsy who has superb cognition. SFUSD used to have a special department for screening children and putting them in appropriate classes. Now, they just stick them in a classroom and let the teacher and staff figure the kid out...what kind of class does the kid need, what kind of things to do and whether augmentative communication would be an emphasis in the kid's education.

This week work was extremely tiring. Our new children (5-year-olds) our somewhat messy (i.e,, don't know how to sit at a table and eat with a spoon or whatever. Too many messes to clean up for me. Can't really complain too much. The week wasn't that bad except for the fact that I kept having all this anxiety about waking up on time. I admit to being a person who likes to sleep after the sun rises. It's extremely hard for me to wake up early.

I also have two night classes. Tuesday's was fascinating because we had a guest speaker on the Azteca/Mayan calendar still used in Mexico. It had astrological connotations and natural things for "signs" just like in Chinese astrology. But this calendar has "flower," "snake," "jaguar."

This has been a fun weekend. I've spent alot time working and talking with Jud. We're thinking about doing a half-hour show on cable tv at night.

The Libertine

So, it seems that the previous blog of great length was not meant to be printed. That's really for the best. No one wants to hear someone else's "story" over the period of a year. It's boring. The present is where we are. And at this moment I am wishing that I had had more fun this summer. Or, I wonder, did I have fun and I'm unwilling to give it up ? There was freedom every day to do what I wanted to do. Duh.

Anyway, let's go back to yesterday. Last night I had the pleasure of watching Johnny Depp in "The Libertine." It starts with a view of the Earl of Rothschild (Depp) introducing himself and how unlikable he is. The year is around 1660 (Dryden's time) and Charles has already had his head chopped off and England has already had its revolution. The Earl's name is John Wilmot and is called Johnny. I'd like to discuss this film.

Is there something wrong with this Mac?

I just wrote a really long and personal blog and blogger couldn't publish it. I'll try again

Sunday, and the "end" of the weekend.

TOday is SUnday. I'm still supposed to be on "vacation." I will return to work on the required day of Wednesday. Many of the women (and, perhaps, the two men) have already been to their classrooms to work on them. Last year I had to change classrooms, so I came in two weeks early. Last year I was happier. Or the thought of what my job entails didn't bother me at all. I had some freedom. Jeremy had just visited me from London. He and I had e-mailed each other for two years until he came out to visit San Francisco and me. Jeremy told me that if I wanted to chuck the job he had more than enough in his house in East London. I was covered! I didn't really want to think that it wouldn't be possible for me to move to London like that with a man I barely knew. But there was security in it somehow.

Even though I"ve had a few lovers since Jeremy, no one has connected with me in the same way: staying available by e-mail and phone even though not in person. All a fantasy. Can't forget about the biblical figure (Moises). I'm doing very well with this one. The karma is lifting, albeit like a torn blanket of fog. His girlfriend came into the meditation room where I was sitting this past Friday late afternoon. She was smiling at me like she knew me very well or had me pre-calculated. There was a strange awareness this woman had of my presence. All I could think was, "Oh no, this means he coming in here soon to meet her. Better get out!" I'm trying to avoid painful situations or ones that have the potential to put me in a frame of mind in which I feel less than and invalidated. Perhaps that is why I don't want to go back to "work." I hope the sun shines all day tomorrow and that I can get a sunburn so that I can recall my trip to the Yucatan for the day.

I saw some work by Chas. Chaplin

Tonight I saw "The Kid" (1921) by Charlie Chaplin. Also viewed was a BBC documentary on the "Unknown..." How wonderful it must be to love what you are doing. There were over 183 takes done on one scene, with the camera card stating ;'"Chas.Chaplin" 186' and more like that. He rarely wrote a script. Much was improvised with such subtle humor at times that the datedness of vaudeville or the "music hall" (the British version and where Chaplin got discovered when he came to this country.

This was actually the first time I had ever watched a Charlie Chaplin film. The documentary made him and his work methods mesmerizing. His creativity was flooding the film world and the images the world watched.

The Fog and the need for more chai.

Today was the first day I had this house all to myself and the three cats. It's been odd and it's been somewhat productive. It is odd that I would even have the house to myself all of this vacation (in which I've been driving, driving, only driving). There is one housemate who works at night but is always around during the day. In any case, this is a first.

Meanwhile, I hope the ghosts were helping me today. I'm not sure, because my macmini would load video footage all of a sudden. And so there are these very interesting still-moving shots--just a few, but they're good and they're when Pablo comes in. That's all I'll give of my video project.

Wow, I've got to do the Bro Jud on Love Energy shoot tonight. It is a truly foggy, sleepy day outside. I feel like putting this thing in my hair that makes me look like I have little thee inch wings coming out of the top of my head. Perhaps I have drunk too much chai and have let my hair reveal my state, as it is.

Leonard Cohen

Tonight I saw the most recent documentary on Leonard Cohen. I went over to Berkeley to see it, because it wasn't playing in the city yet. A friend of mine who lives in Berkeley went with me and this person also wrote songs and sang in bands in the punk era in San Francisco. So, of course, we were both huge lovers of Leonard Cohen's poetry and music.

My friend said that when Leonard was living as a Buddhist monk he had someone entrusted with his money. Apparently, the man whom Leonard trusted stole his money instead. The film may be a way of getting some of his money back. Mel Gibson was one of the produces of the film, and it is set in Sidney and in New York.

Basically it comprises a group of musicians who were mostly Canadian--like Cohen. Those guys from Ireland were in on it, too. Bono the poet/savior (I like him, I'm just playing) and his band are interviewed often and play with Leonard Cohen at The Slipper Room in New York City live.

Not a whole lot about his childhood was covered...just his father's death, and the time he began to write and think about writing.

I hope this film does well in theatres. It was shot for tv, so the faces are a bit bigger than you might see in an actual film. I loved the red bubbles/lights.

A Kind of Buddhist Meditation

Tonight I went to my friend's flat to meditate with intention. The first thing we did was decorate the scene:; gigantic beeswax candles, Tao pieced little candles, food, a whole corner of a room which is an altar to many gods. We had all made some kind of something to eat. I made Indian curry with Thai coconut sauce with cauliflower and all the peppers the sweet peppers.

After eating, we began to write on pieces of paper our intentions: things to let go of. We threw them in a bowl with some wax which took the intention into its flame. I noticed that the flame grew higher during different people's intention's burning. We had to put a metal plate over the top of the bowl when the flames were really insistent.

All was saved and it was time to talk. Different topics were brought up. But the most powerful meditation was coming up for me: the four corners meditation. We started facing north, and then someone rang out from a singing bowl to start movement to the next directions. I had many and various thoughts pass through in meditation: especially in the east and south. I was wondering if this might have something to do with the planetary alignment in my chart. I am for pronoia.

The Club Deluxe

Tonight I went to see two friends perform at an open mic at the Club Deluxe on Haight and Ashbury. It was a pretty charming event. The presence of so many different strands of people in one place was truly great. I felt bad when I started calling out to my friend when the guy with the requisite knit hat and plaid shirt was giving his poetic piece. Yes, this is a venue for poets. And there were many poets there. One of my friends did a frenzied recalling of the coming of Mary Magdalene. The crowd was with her. The crowd was with everybody.

And, my other friend wrote an inspired poem with the chorus: "and the fashion/is love and compassion." Hooray.

Breakfast on Pluto

Today I went to the 4Star to rent a movie. My friend and part-owner Jamie was there. He was helping me pick something out. I had wanted to rent "The Libertine" but it's always out when I want to rent it.

So Jamie and I went throught the 4star-recommened videos, and I had seen "Junebug," "Benny and Joon" and others. Too bad at this moment I can't remember the name of the film he recommended from this section. It was a British film about two loverr in their forties... Then he leaned over to "Breakfast on Pluto" which has quite an appealing, kind of techno-psychedelic cover.

The film is Irish (by Neil jordan) and, I was told, had some IRA scenes. So far all I've seen is the life story of an Irish queen/transgender person. Now, of course, withing the Irish world sexual choices have always been heterosexual, so I was taken aback when the main character was different from others in terms of physical representation and life choices. It's actually fun to watch these Irish people not really go beserk or even do anything but whisper to one another. In this film, at lest, Ireland is shown to be a more integrated socieity somehow.

Oh, now the guns are mentioned. It must be IRA time. More on this later...

the news is on...

The news is on right now. I never read or listen to it. But i just can't get this bologna about a "civil war" In Iraq. When do the
lies and misconceptions end?

Today Bro Jud was showing me a "teaching video" with the topic being "how to argue." Excuse me, but the assumptions made when going from large to small in epistemological terms is always overwhelmed by the largeness. Did all those people really
vote for Bush?

And, I ramble, I quote, "Hezzobollah is hit, and then hit, but won't go away." Why not make Israel the 52nd state (after Puerto
Rico).
""